in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
