he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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