4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
