It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
