her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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