i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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