I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
