My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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