You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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