when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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