Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
