We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
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