If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
this hospital has no fireball
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
