You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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