went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
