I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
