omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
