he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
