He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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