i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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