I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
