I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
