areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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