My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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