i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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