So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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