Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
