mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
