nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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