please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
this boner is exhausting
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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