Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
