Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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