In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
