Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
