franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
