turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
