Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
