Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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