from now on my penis is your penis
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
