Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
So much rum. So many feels.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
