So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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