My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
