Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
