hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
