I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My bed smells like the plague
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