At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
