i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
