i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
