im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I want to be your penis for a week.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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