Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
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