I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
